Time Flies

They say time flies when you’re having fun.

I’ve not really picked up the camera for a while now. Not particularly out of choice, more out of a lack of time. I’ve just started a new job so that’s taking up the majority of my headspace at the moment. I’ve always enjoyed started something new but struggle getting my brain to catch up. It’s like an involuntary fear that sometimes likes to creep back in.

I’m always so tired at the moment so I’m sort of stuck in a rut of work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep and repeat. At this point sitting in front of screen fiddling about in Lightroom is the last thing I want to do be doing. I’m seriously hoping that once I’m settled a bit more I’ll have more energy.

I’m also back in the rut of not being able to concentrate. Does anyone else get like this? Start doing something then have to stop pretty much immediately? I want to play all sorts of games again but haven’t quite got the willpower, it’s irritating.

As I type this I’ve got a list/plan for the website but do I have the energy to start doing anything about it? Nope. I don’t. This is honestly one of the worst parts of any mental health related thing…the not being able to do stuff. I feel like there is always a drain on my thought process.

I’ll be back sooner rather than later.

- Rachael

Reading Over

I'm glad Christmas is out of the way for another year, it wasn't as bad as usual but still not particularly pleasant. I managed to control my thoughts a lot better than normal, which is a sign I've done, or doing, something right. One long standing side effect of my depression which I can't seem to kick very easily when it starts is the horrible feeling of confusion and lack of concentration mixed with anger. It usually happens when I'm doing something I usually enjoy, like gaming.

For me, depression isn't just feeling sad. It's being unmotivated, tired, irritable and many more things.

I have found reading can provide a bit of relief for a short while but actually finding the motivation to do it is a whole different thing. I'm just hoping I don't have that many episodes of this when I'm completing my Project365. If anything I hope my photography will be a distraction at times.

Christmas Countdown

As Christmas gets closer it always gets me thinking.This is supposed to be the time of joy and happiness but I always find myself struggling to be merry alongside everyone else, it's been the same for several years now.

The past few years have been difficult, coming out of university with a worse feeling of depression and anxiety than I started with, two major operations and multiple setbacks have left me in a position with fewer friends, no job and of course very little extra money for luxuries. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, in many ways I'm better but I'm also worse. I'm always scared of the unknown, I often lack the confidence to do what I know I am capable of but I am stronger maybe not physically but mentally. As many people have told me, something will come along...eventually.

Despite Christmas supposedly about 'being together' and 'being happy' it's difficult to go along with that mentality when this season screams of everything I'm not. It makes you think of those people who are no longer here, be that they have passed on, or those you've lost contact with. It's something I often get told to get over, or I'll get used to it. I won't. The feeling doesn't go away, I guess it just gets very slightly less shocking, I've come to expect it.

Who knows maybe 2018 will bring something different, I say this every year but next year will be my year.

- R