As Christmas gets closer it always gets me thinking.This is supposed to be the time of joy and happiness but I always find myself struggling to be merry alongside everyone else, it’s been the same for several years now.

The past few years have been difficult, coming out of university with a worse feeling of depression and anxiety than I started with, two major operations and multiple setbacks have left me in a position with fewer friends, no job and of course very little extra money for luxuries. I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, in many ways I’m better but I’m also worse. I’m always scared of the unknown, I often lack the confidence to do what I know I am capable of but I am stronger maybe not physically but mentally. As many people have told me, something will come along…eventually.

Despite Christmas supposedly about ‘being together’ and ‘being happy’ it’s difficult to go along with that mentality when this season screams of everything I’m not. It makes you think of those people who are no longer here, be that they have passed on, or those you’ve lost contact with. It’s something I often get told to get over, or I’ll get used to it. I won’t. The feeling doesn’t go away, I guess it just gets very slightly less shocking, I’ve come to expect it.

Who knows maybe 2018 will bring something different, I say this every year but next year will be my year.

– R