Wirral Way (18/365)
I’m annoying myself. I started this project in order to improve both my photography skills and my mental health but as it stands, right now, both are falling apart.I knew I’d reach this point but I didn’t think it would be so soon.
Each day I’m going out to try and improve on the previous photo, or at least previous attempts I’ve done. However, I appear to have reached a wall where it’s just not getting better. The more I try to produce better images, the more I’m getting stressed out. Exactly the opposite of what this project was supposed to do. Unfortunately I can’t put a finger on what the issue is. I mean there’s a huge feeling the main problem is me which then brings self-doubt into the forefront of my mind again.
Negative thinking has always been my main way of thinking. I know it may not be healthy but honestly, I can’t see that changing any time soon. In some situations it grounds me. If I don’t expect greatness, I can’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. However, I am able to see why being overly critical doesn’t allow me to develop. It can limit me too much. As quite a few people say about themselves, I am really am my worst enemy.
There isn’t anyone who could find as many errors and faults in my work as I do. When I’m doing my photography, I’ve already got the final image in my head even before I’ve taken it so when it comes to the processing and it doesn’t look how I imagined, in my eyes, I’ve failed. To others the final product may look good, to me it is never perfect. I suppose thanks to my depression, this is something that will never really go away, I’ll just somehow have to learn to see through it.
Honestly, it’s days like today that really make me want to give up. It’s day eighteen though, I’ve got this far. Giving up just allows my brain and mental illness to win, again.