Mental Clearing and Clarity - Learning About Myself

Day To Day

2 Sep

Written By

It's very strange when you realise you've been living a lie, and not being your true self for years. Sometimes though, you need to sit back, think and readjust. This is exactly what I've been doing for the past couple of months. I've spent a LOT of time just analysing myself and trying to work out who I am and who I want to be.

I have recently started therapy again after having a bit of a slip backwards after the birth of Freddie and feeling quite overwhelmed. I find myself getting flustered and frustrated really easily which eventually leads to being snappy and irritable. I've started working on my anxiety more than anything, focusing on my worries, which unsurprisingly mostly revolve around Freddie and the future. I am the type of person who overthinks everything. Even the things completely out of my control. I tend to fixate a lot on things to the point where it will eventually wind me up so much I get angry. It's not my finest trait in the world but it's a real one and I need to acknowledge it.

At the moment, for pretty obvious reasons, I am stressed. I've always thought I dealt with it well but I think all I normally do is distract. I distract myself by doing something else...usually which then leads to irritating me. It's a vicious cycle. I never let myself discover the reasoning behind the stress, just let it build and build. Being able to sit down and identify when I'm getting overwhelmed and irritated is difficult though and definitely a huge work in progress.

Sitting down and thinking though has led to me starting journalling again which has always helped. It's similar in a way to writing these posts. I can get my thoughts down on paper and out of my head. The difference this time though, I'm not forcing myself to do it. I'll write things when I have to, or there is a major event but I'm not putting the pressure on myself. Once they're written down, they can then either stay written down or, as I have done, use them to reflect. Reflection is what brings me on to the next major point.

I've always tried to be very open about my life and to be as real as possible. Turns out I've actually been lying to myself without even fully knowing. After much deliberation and confusion, I've come to realise, accept and revel in the fact I am actually bisexual. A fact that, rightfully, isn't a huge deal to the majority of people anymore, but to me it's massive. To me it explains a huge amount of my personality that I could never quite figure out. For a long time I've always felt there was something missing, that one jigsaw piece that I couldn't find. I've never really truly sat down and thought about my sexuality. I've always just gone with the "normal" - I use that very very lightly - and expected that I was straight, that as a woman I am "supposed" to just like men. Rubbish. Like who you like, it doesn't matter.

It's extremely difficult to pinpoint exactly how I feel right now. I've experienced anxiety, confusion, frustration but mainly relief followed by happiness. For the first time in a while my head feels clear. I actually feel comfortable in my own skin, and being me. It's something I've been trying to do for such a long time without realising why 2&2 never made 4. I'm not scared to hide me away anymore. It's a strange feeling knowing this major part of me has been waiting to come out and I didn't even realise.

I'm constantly working on improving myself, not for anybody else, but for my own satisfaction. I am me and I'm okay with that. At the age of 30, I have finally found the real Rachael, which as it turns out, is hugely liberating.

I'm slowly working through a load of photos to edit for the blog page and Instagram. I'm focusing more on black and white, it's always had my heart. I can never seem to get colour edits right, at least not natural looking ones. I've also come to terms with the iphone is decent at taking photos for here. They may not always be print worthy but they're good enough for me!