What is (my) depression?
I initially started writing this post around about this time last year then put it on the back burner.
Firstly. I need to explain this is a personal post, I'm going to be discussing MY depression and my symptoms. Not everyone feels the same way.
Having had another period of depression, for the past few months, I’ve had a lot of time to dwell on what my depressive moods mean to me. I’ve forced myself to ask the question, what is depression? or more importantly, what is my depression?
It’s a hard one. I feel like I have a grasp of it one time and then the next, nope. It’s completely different again.
When it happens, my depression leaves me feeling deflated. Every ounce of confidence I build up gets destroyed quicker than I realise. I lose all motivation to do…anything. Some days just getting up and showered seems too difficult. All of those things that normally I enjoy are nothing but black holes. Absolutely no pleasure in doing anything. Going out for a walk with the camera in hand is a hardship, playing a video game is boring and tedious, reading a book is an overload of words in what is already a crammed mind. There is nothing fun to do.
Tiredness is a huge part of the slump. I don’t sleep well, if at all. Overthinking every little situation, every conversation, just everything, leads to an exhausted mind. Nobody wants to do anything when they’re tired. Other than sleep. So that is exactly what happens. More than is normal.
When is comes down to socialising, my brain switches off. I can never think of a topic of conversation. I probably come across as rude or disinterested when in reality all I want is to have a heart-to-heart, a decent proper conversation, a distraction for the thoughts going on. That’s difficult though when inside my head is what feels like the angel and devil whispering things to me. Every slight tone change is someone being annoyed at me or a dig. I become a paranoid mess.
I’m not being lazy, boring, hard-work or just difficult. I am someone who is struggling and fighting what is, in my head, the worst battle ever. It’s a constant uphill struggle to maintain a fake smile, a fake laugh, a fake conversation.
I've lost friends, but then I also gain some every single depressive period I go through. That's probably something I should fix but those that stick by me each time are those who matter most. I have definitely got better at talking about how I feel and that's important. I no longer let others define me, well not as much as in the past. I'm working on letting go.
Letting go of emotions is a huge huge part of recovery and moving forward. Something I have always struggled with. I'm used to shutting off and hiding but I don't want to anymore.
I have recently started taking CBD oil in low doses. CBD oil is the completely legal part of the cannabis plant used to aid depression, anxiety and pain. And many other ailments that I don't understand, so don't feel comfortable explaining. For me, after I've had 25-30mg of the oil in the morning, my head feels a little clearer. I don't feel as anxious, I can hold important conversations without fear. Now, saying all this I'm not going to sit here and preach about how you should buy some because it's not for everyone however, I have definitely experienced the good side of it.
So. After a year of writing, editing and writing some more here we arrive at the end of this mega post.
I have discovered my depression is one that messes with my motivation. I lose the ability to enjoy things and then in turn with that, my low mood returns. I know I'll have good days, good weeks and then a major low then it will cycle.
I’ve said it before, depression and anxiety do not control me, however they are who I am. I always will have the dark thoughts lingering in the back of my head but at the end of the day. I am stronger than them. It’s about how I work with it.
It's okay to not be okay.
I am who I am.
-Rachael