Staring at the ceiling

To start, once again it’s been a while since the last post…So, whilst a considerable amount has stayed the same, there was one major change!

The Big One

Matt and me are now engaged! After 8 years together, we’re officially getting married in what will hopefully be an autumn wedding. Autumn is the best season anyway, so why not?! We went to have a look at a few venues before the second lockdown, to get an idea what we want and where. We’re looking at a smaller wedding…partially because we don’t know that many people, and partially because it just feels better with minimal people.

I’m quite enjoying browsing photographers though, something I didn’t think I would enjoy either. It’s difficult, as a photographer myself, to look at other people’s work and not compare it to my own. This has obviously rubbed off in a way though, I am leaning towards a more casual, candid style similar to my own. The last thing I want is a formal photo shoot, absolutely not.

I’m looking forward to getting back to planning and visiting venues once life is back to sort of normality.

Mentally drained

I’m pretty sure most of the population is fed up of how things are at the moment. Coronavirus is really taking a toll on everyone’s life now. I feel mentally drained. Everything feels much more difficult like there is an extra weight on your shoulders.

I got tested positive a few weeks back.

I didn’t have all the typical symptoms that is widely advertised. I didn’t have a temperature and I didn’t really have a continuous cough, it was more of a tickley cough in the mornings that took your breath away.

My main symptoms were;

• stomach ache

• blinding headache, like one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had

• every muscle hurting

• chest pain

• exhausted

• dizzy

• loss of smell and taste

Despite all of those though, the worst one was and is the brain fog. It’s like trying to do everything with a veil of smog surrounding you constantly. I’m still struggling with the fog now, I’ve found doing things in work that I do everyday very difficult. It somehow makes you feel and act slower than normal, you’re not quite as efficient as you were.

Add the fog into the mix of lockdown and isolation from the people you love and miss, it only naturally emphasises mental illness. For me, obviously that’s my depression and anxiety.

Isolation leads to overthinking

I’ve found myself quite often reverting to old ways…overthinking every aspect of life. It’s a weird one, with the isolation periods it’s difficult to keep my mental health strong. I am having more and more nights where I am staring at the ceiling, unable to get to sleep. I find I have a lot of thoughts about the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year all running through my mind all at the same time.

Throughout the pandemic, the number of mental health cases has risen rapidly. I find it really difficult to think about all those people who haven’t been able to see their loved ones for months on end. For me, at this time of year I always start thinking about my Mum and Grandma. I can’t begin to imagine how I would feel if they were both here at the moment and I couldn’t see them when ill. It must be absolutely horrendous.

I think it’s very important to keep any eye out for each other, especially at the moment. It’s been well documented that the cuts to mental health support are coming/already begun. It sometimes feels like you’re on your own, inside your own head but there is always someone, somewhere waiting to talk to you.

I’m trying to push my workplace to do a mental health course for the main staff members so we all know how to help a bit more. I’d love to be that person that can help others, even with some first person advice.

Hopefully there will be more to report on that soon…

- Rachael